TOFU POTATO CRUST PIZZA

Hello again, internet. Allow me to be the first to apologize for my absence from this blog for the past...however long it's been (I'm not used to doing it in the correct order). Alas, I am back! And come bearing tasty ideas.

During my leave, I spent some time expanding my culinary library and, one drunken night, stumbled upon a creation which I feel absolutely MUST be shared with the rest of cyberspace. I call it TOFU POTATO CRUST PIZZA and it's technically a total bastardization of the Italian masterpiece, but hell...so is Totino's, and no one has shut them down yet. Are you interested in trying your hand at this delicious mound of edibles? That's what I thought. Now, without further ado...

TOFU-TOPPED, POTATO-CRUST PIZZA

Ingredients for the sauce:

8 oz can tomato sauce

6 oz can tomato paste

6 tbsp fresh oregano

3 tbsp thyme

2 tbsp olive oil

½ tbsp garlic powder

½ large onion, diced and sautéed in butter

salt, pepper, and sugar to taste

For the sauce, you can either make your own or use your favorite (disgusting) pre-packaged and processed tomato-whatever-they-feel-like-putting-in-it. Just look at the ingredients on the label and make your decision from there. The assembly shouldn't be too much to decipher. In a medium saucepan, Heat the olive oil over medium heat and add the tomatoey things. Stir until well blended and homogeneous. Now add your onions INCLUDING THE BUTTER IN WHICH THEY WERE SAUTEED and the spices. Basically, simmer until it's nice and spreadably thick and not runny. Who wants a soggy potato crust, after all?

For the actual pizza:

3 large russet potatoes, peeled and thinly sliced (in half-circles)

1 package super-firm tofu, cubed

16 oz mozzarella cheese

8 oz parmesean cheese

½ cup Panko (Japanese breadcrumbs, but you can use regular ones)

garlic powder and salt to taste

You can prepare your tofu in whatever style you prefer, just keep in mind the context of the flavors. My favorite way is to deep-fry the cubes until they're almost crunchy and toss them in a combination of garlic powder and salt. But seriously, it's whatever you want. You don't even have to use tofu. You can put bacon on it for all I care.

Now, here's where it gets finnicky...

Spray down your pizza pan (yes, you need a pan) with your favorite non-stick spray or give it a light rub-down with about a tablespoon of olive oil. Arrange your potato slices in about 2-3 overlapping layers until they cover the bottom of the pan. Preheat your oven to 400 degrees farenheit and place those starchy morsels under heat for about 15-20 minutes preferably on the middle rack, but I'm not friends with your oven and I don't know its habits.

Take the makings of your potato crust out of the oven and admire the smell. DONT WORRY! The potatoes should not be fully cooked yet. Now, we're going to do something very cool. Without allowing your oven to cool down, turn the broil function on HIGH. While you're waiting for the top element to heat up, grab a handful of each kind of cheese and sprinkle them onto the top of the potatoes. Now, do the same with your breadcrumbs. Place this back in the oven (still on the middle rack- this time I mean it!) for about 3-4 minutes or until you see sufficient toasting/browning on top and remove the pizza. Turn your broiler off and put your oven back at 400.

Now we have a sick-nasty (in a good way) potato crust. It's time for the sauce, and you should know how to apply it. Not too thick, not too thin. Add the rest of your cheese and your prepared tofu. Put the whole mess back into the oven until you can see/smell crispily baked potatoey goodness. Give it a minute to cool and then chow down. If you don't like it, you need to diversify your palate.

DISCLAIMER: William Gaylord, A Burning Century, and their affiliates do not condone or encourage the use of cooking equipment and tools under the influence of alcohol and cannot and will not be held responsible for any mistakes, slip-ups, or acts of God that may happen to your stupid, drunken ass.